My Journey With PCOS: Part One

As a young bride back before 2010, pap smears were recommended before the age of 21. My mom always made sure to encourage me to take control of my health from a young age.  Ever since I have been 18, I went to my “woman” doctor yearly, still to this day. Luckily when I was 19, the doctor told me that I did not need to get a pap smear until after I was 21, so at that appointment I was relieved. That yearly check up went well, my doctor said if I hear back from them, then something showed up but no news, was good news.

A year later in 2011, I go in for my yearly. But this year I knew I was gonna judged for my obvious weight gain.  At the time, I didn’t know how much I had gained, and I didn’t know why. I refused to own a scale, I stopped looking in the mirror, and I kept buying new jeans and giving my outgrown ones to my smaller best friend.  I just figured I went from being very active in my waitress/bar-tending job(s) to sedentary with my new banking job. I also knew, my husband and I were struggling paying bills, and I had received F’s in my classes for not showing up, so I had to choose to drop out. When I was bar tending, sometimes I wouldn’t get off until after 3 AM, my first class was at 8 AM and I lived about 40 minutes away from the college. It didn’t help that my professor was an elderly monotone dude, insert “BUELLER” reference here.  xwgd69t I was stressed.  At the age of 19, I knew I had bitten off more than I could chew. Food helped deal with my struggles and alcohol made me forget them. I had to figure out a way to pay my bills and afford to eat, I was working at a new job I hated that paid me shit, I was taking care of my father, between running him to Houston (an hr away) for his DR. appts, to picking up his medicine and delivering it to him (30 min outta my way), I had given up my hopes for a college education and lets be honest, I was an irresponsible child, playing a role of someone who was grown. I was broke because irresponsible choices, buying alcohol (my husband is five years older than me) and always eating out! We also use to buy random shit like a KIRBY VACUUM, tell me why I couldn’t pay my rent but I FINANCED A VACUUM?!?! Thank GOD for growing up and learning from your past!!!!!!!! Face palm, I WAS DUMB!!!! Please if you’re in a spot where you can save over spend at an early age, DO IT!!!! If I could go back and tell myself some advice as if I wasn’t taught these things; Those clothes aren’t gonna fit you in 6 years, that new car you had to have is gonna break down by the time you have your first kid, and that alcohol isn’t gonna save you from your life but add to your struggles and almost end everything completely, several times.

There was one time my father called me and asked me to bring him some fig newtons and sliced cheese, of course I was going to buy my dad some, but I only had five dollars to my (our) name, and I can’t recall what day it was but it wasn’t near pay-day. I was too embarrassed to tell my dad I was broke, so I didn’t. I used my last dollar and used the gas I knew I shouldn’t be using to bring him what he wanted. FIG NEWTONS are expensive if you aren’t aware, when you’re broke. So I bought the store brand, you know this man complained when I got there! My dad would have given me the world and his last dollar, but I was never gonna allow him to worry about me, I needed him to focus on getting better and my pride would never allow myself to ask ANYONE FOR HELP. From a young age I was determined to be independent. I started my first job at 12 baby sitting, at 15 life-guarding and working at a local small diner at 16 and by my senior year in high school, I had three job titles: waitress on the weekend, nanny after school Monday – Friday, and lifeguard on my day(s) off from taking care of the kids I watched. My random off-topic point being is that at a very young age, I stopped caring for myself and allowed myself to put other things and people before my own very health and mind-set, I have always chose to stay busy or medicate myself to hide my anxiety and stresses.

So back to that 2011 appt., the lady who called my name in the waiting room took me back and got my weight and vitals. She escorted me to a room and told me the Dr. would be right with me….. the Dr. comes in (now I can’t remember this part to the detail) but I had my exam, she asked the routine questions and then hit me with, concerns with my drastic fifty pound weight-gain and the way my ovaries looked. She said she believed that some of the things we talked about and the exam flagged her for signs of PCOS (I had no clue what she was talking about) but she would have to take me back and do a vaginal ultrasound to look at my ovaries, and I think they also did blood test but I am not sure (I’ve had so much blood drawn since, I can’t tell you which times I have or hadn’t), but I remember this ultrasound vividly, I can still feel the coldness of the room! She confirmed by ultrasound signs of cyst and typical looking PCOS ovaries and then she confirmed the diagnosis. I had something foreign called, PCOS.

Too be honest all I heard was, (possible) INFERTILITY, the rest of the appt is a blur, how she explained what PCOS was to me, I do not remember all I could think about is I may never have children with my husband. I was due to work later this day, but I had to call in, I was an emotional mess. Not only had I just been told what I had been avoiding, my weight gained hit 50 pounds but now I have some kinds of medical condition that I had never even heard of. I felt tainted, and I felt scared. I didn’t know where to go from there, my world shattered and what pieces to stick together first, I didn’t know.  A bullet had just shot me.

-C

Ladies it is SO important to take control of your health and own your body! At the top of my page, I have a tab about PCOS and the symptoms. Talk with your Dr. if you’re experiencing several of these symptoms. PCOS is not a death sentence but to improve your life, you must understand your body. PCOS is manageable, it is not curable! 

*DISCLAIMER: I am in no way a medical professional, I am just a woman experiencing her struggles and experiences, all info on my blog comes from personal experiences and conversations with my doctors and tons of research over a course of several years*

This is me…

This is me, all that I am is before me in the mirror. One day I love myself for my strength and determination, and other days I see myself hatred and denial I lived in for so long. This journey is not about my weight. Well it is, but for me it is much deeper than that. When I look at myself, I see a reflection of what I have done. You see pounds, I see my struggles; What I have allowed to rule me. I went from a bottle, to food. One addiction to the next, I was weak, and sometimes I feel that hopelessness all over again. I feel sad.

Mentally, I try to be strong but I can’t always be. For so long I have focused on my family but never once stopped to look in the mirror. I wear my stress well outwardly, but internally I am roaring. When I see myself now, I know this weight is cloak of my internal feelings. Feelings I no longer feel or even want to feel.

I find out more and more stuff about me, the more I connect with myself. For me, being alone is the only way I can do that. Alone; no phone, no distractions, just myself and my thoughts. Something that scared me for so long.

This is my truth. These are my thoughts. I know I am not alone, but I am alone, and for once I am okay with this. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for saving me. I thank Him everyday for the new day and for allowing me to have choices in every part of my life. I have taken control of the fact every day is a decision for me, every day I HAVE TO DO BETTER, and every day since, I grow stronger.

If you’re reading this and you struggle like I do, know you’re worth it. You can do better if you put your mind to it. Think good thoughts and shove out the bad ones. You are very loved and you were made uniquely in His image.

-with very much love,

C

 

On Wednesday’s, We Wear Pink…

Happy Wednesday y’all! Of course I had to be basic and quote mean girls, but my reality is I hate the color pink! hehe This week has been so slow for me on my weight loss, the scale hasn’t moved an OUNCE. I am still eating right and working out, but no movement, stuck forever at this number I so badly want to beat. Oh well, keep on keepin’ on. On another note, PROGRESS in my strength! When I first started a month ago, I decided I would do yoga at least several times a week just to improve my flexibility, the video(s) I have been using, I could only get through ten minutes, yesterday I completed all 30 minutes at INTERMEDIATE level and worked out another 30 minutes afterwards. Maybe the scale isn’t moving, but I am dang proud of myself for staying loyal to gain my strength back, and that work is starting to show! Hopefully one day I can gain the courage to join the new Yoga studio that opened less than 5 minutes away from me, one day.

I set an appt. with my doctor for next week. Just a yearly check-up but I do also want her to run some blood work and give me advise on my efforts to change my life. Dealing with pcos sometimes seems like an uphill battle when thinking about weight loss, but I am proof that PCOS can’t hold me back. I just want to make sure my hormone levels are where they need to be and my body is in the right shape to actually get into shape. I am no stranger to hard work, and this is definitely hard, but oh so rewarding.

 

THIS SATURDAY IS MY “21” bday, hehehe okay maybe I am a bit older but a girl never tells her age! (26) My husband and I are going on a romantic getaway! I am so excited!

Until next time, I hope your week is going well. I hope you know you are important, and that you matter!

With much love,

C

” Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path.

Phillip Sweet