25 to life…

December 30, 2016 sitting inside a pizza buffet stuffing down slice after slice, coke after coke instead of really wanting to go play with my son in the kids play area. Not that I didn’t want to but I was this animal who could not control my urges, or what I ate. Pizza, all of it, as much as I could eat was sitting right in front of me. I indulge and enjoyed it, but the more I ate the less happy I actually became. That pizza didn’t taste good nor was I hungry, but I just kept going.

Leaving Incredible Pizza that day, I knew I was in trouble and this burning desire to do better . My entire life up until this point as been about self-indulgence, which helped me drown my anxious ways; or perhaps it was because of my anxious ways, I always binged.  Either way, I was killing myself and not thinking about the hurt my son would have knowing his mom chose food over him, essentially. My addiction had a hold of me, I was ready to be untied.

I was 25, this was it. That day I decided enough was enough and ironically the song, “25 to life” by Eminem played on shuffle when I was really beating myself up for my addictive ways.  Never the less, this song became my motivation to drown my old self, and emerge a stronger and better person, someone I have never been.  Even though I wasn’t sure if I loved myself enough to do better, I knew without a doubt in my existence, the love I have for my son is more than anything I have ever known and nothing I mean nothing, not my own mind, would ever take me away from him.

Let me break down the lyrics, now Eminem is obviously talking about the music industry and his fame, but for me, his song I apply to my old self (my mind) vs the new one (mind).

Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase, 25 to life (at this point I was 25 so it was easy to apply this lyric to my life)
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase, 25 to life
Too late
I can’t keep chasing ’em
I’m taking my life back (amen, it was time for a life change)
Caught in a chase, 25 to life

……….

I no longer cry for you, no more pain
Bitch, you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt, I can no longer stand it
Now my respect, I demand it
I’ma take control of this relationship, command it (take control of my life and my habits) 
And I’ma be the boss of you now, goddamn it
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out, this much you owe me

(all about my inner struggle and battling my own thoughts)

Yeah, funny, ain’t it? You neglected me (I have always took care of others, but never realized what I was doing to myself)
Did me a favor, though, my spirit free you’ve set
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept
It’s unfortunate, but it’s…

(but because of these struggles, I have been able to use them for my strength to keep going)

But tonight I’m serving you with papers; I’m divorcing you
Go marry someone else and make ’em famous!
And take away their freedom like you did to me

Treat ’em like you don’t need ’em
And they ain’t worthy of you
Feed ’em the same shit that you made me eat
I’m moving on, forget you
Oh, now I’m special? I ain’t feel special when I was with you
All I ever felt was this helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch
Chew me up and spit me out, I fell for this
So many times it’s ridiculous
And still I stick with this, I’m sick of this
But in my sickness and addiction you’re addictive as they get
Evil as they come, vindictive as they make ’em
My friends keep askin’ me why I can’t just walk away from
I’m addicted to the pain, the stress, the drama
I’m drawn to shit, I guess I’m a mess, cursed and blessed
But this time I ain’t changin’ my mind
I’m climbin’ out this abyss
You’re screamin’ as I walk out that I’ll be missed
But when you spoke of people
Who meant the most to you, you left me off your list

(one hundred percent my inner struggles…. no matter what, I couldn’t break my addictive ways no matter how many times I tried before, but at this point, it was mental more than it was a want for physical change. I did not want to be bound by anything and food was holding me down. I was no longer me, but someone I didn’t recognize)

Many lyrics in this song, I literally apply to my life and my personal relationship with myself. I feel as though there was me, and now there is ME.  I am choosing my life. I am choosing to love me. and I am choosing to beat an addiction that would day put me into the ground, sooner than later.

I am worth it, you are worth it. Don’t let anything bound you, not even your own mind!

so here is too all of you who share my struggles…. 

I’m not saying that everyone should swim with sharks, but sometimes you have to jump over your own shadow in order to learn something that you will never forget for the rest of your life. Then you know you can conquer your fears. -Heidi Klum

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