Where Do I begin?

Well I have taken the leap to start an online diary of my progress on my health journey and to record the feelings and thoughts that come with this crazy journey. I have no expectation of anyone actually seeing this, at least not right now, but one day I want to look back at how hard I fought to take control of myself and my own mind.

For the longest time, I chose a lifestyle that was killing me. I never really blamed my PCOS weight gain on PCOS, because I have always known I allow myself to eat and drink poison. I liked the way that poison tasted, it comforted me. Before I knew it, that posion controlled me, it had a hold on me and I allowed it, I was addicted. I consciously knew everyday what I was doing wasn’t okay nor was it even remotely healthy but I didn’t care. All I drank was coke, no water, and I wouldn’t eat all day, but right before bed I would binge on anything my husband would bring home (Mcdonalds, PIZZA, Chinese, Sonic) and on the weekends we would eat out Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday’s. I SIMPLY NEVER REALLY GAVE A DAMN ABOUT MYSELF. I allowed myself to become addicted to food and to coke. I liked being addicted. I didn’t like being over-weight but I liked eating pizza more.

Don’t get me wrong I have tried this health thing, okay let me rephrase that, I tried losing weight many times. I did lose weight, a lot of it actually but I was still putting poison into my body.  My goal was weight-loss, not having a healthy happy body. Just one that could fit in a size 8 jean.

The very first time I tried losing weight was when my husband, into the first year of our marriage, sat me down and literally said, “when do you think you’re gonna start losing weight. I have a standard and you don’t fit that anymore.” I WAS HOT Y’ALL. I remember screaming, “THE FIRST AMOUNT OF WEIGHT IMMA DROP IS YOUR ASS.” I went into the bathroom and cried, looking in the mirror I never really realized I had gained THAT MUCH weight. I had always been a bigger girl, even as a swimmer in HS, but dang yall IDK who put my blinders on, he was right, I had gotten a little out of control. I went out to a local gym and spent $1500 on a personal trainer 3 days a week! I did good, working out, I dropped like 25-30 out of the 60 pound weight gain. HOWEVER, I still remember having an intense work out, going home eating two slices of pizza (because that is better than 4 y’all) and a can of Dr. Pepper. UMMMM WHAT…. That was my life…. pizza and a soda.  SMH I continued to work out and get stronger but I couldn’t control the beast that was in my head.  Finally I quit faking something I wasn’t and just went back to being lazy and an addict.

Years later……

The second time I tried losing weight was when I started a challenge group with BeachBody. I was doing cize daily. I even got up to doing it twice a day. I was eating a low-carb diet, which eh was okay, I still didn’t know anything about nutrition. Then I even joined a gym. I lost about 45 pounds. After six months, PIZZA you’re so good to me. (NOT) and soon after eating horrible again, coke came back into my life. The weight was back and again the cycle repeated.

About a year ago, after gaining my weight back once again, I went to a new doctor who did many,many, many test on me. One thing walking away with from the appointment was the diagnoses of anxiety. I mean I knew something was wrong with me, but I don’t think I realize what the face of my anxiety looked like.I put in so much effort in the last year to learn more about myself. An effort to recognize when my anxiety starts to rear her head and face her head on by learning to breathe and work through my own, sometime irrational thought processes. In the last year, I have started to mediate in the morning before my son wakes up. I just love watching the birds and sun rise, something about that is peaceful to me and it is a time in which I leave myself with my own thoughts. I have tried to put in an effort to really get to know more about myself, and realize why I do the things I do.

I am not sure in what moment it was, or even what I was thinking because this was a month or so ago, but I remember realizing I never truly love myself. At what point in my life have I really treated myself the way I NEEDED TO BE TREATED, AT NO POINT. I knew I was addicted to binge-eating, I knew I was addicted to not facing my true reality, and I knew I let go of my own health. During one morning, I was having a conversation with my dad who passed away the same year I was diagnosed with PCOS, asking him why he never gave up cigarettes. His doctors diagnosed him with severe COPD, but yet he continued to smoke. I begged and begged him when he was alive to stop.. yet he did it anyway. In that moment on the porch, left in tears, I WAS SO ANGRY. “YOU PICKED CIGARETTES OVER YOUR LITTLE GIRL!” “I WAS 19 WHEN YOU LEFT ME, I STILL NEED YOU..”There are so many conversations with my dad that I want and believe I need, to have with him but I will never get the chance to. In this same moment I told myself, no more! I love me even though I have never really loved me. I am choosing to love myself. I started researching what diets work best with women with PCOS, how nutrition works. I research how to read food labels, what to look for what to avoid. I made up my mind that my son will NEVER have to face a reality that I live in. He will not lose me to my addiction, I will never choose anything over him. THAT very same night I was watching my weekly episode of my guilty pleasure “The Affair” (season 3, ep 6), and wouldn’t you know it there was a scene with Noah and his son and this is the dialogue:

” I just really wanted you to understand a little more about me so that one day when I die and you’re clearing out my house, you won’t be rehearsing conversations that you’ll know you’ll never have….”

BOOM I was done, I love my son and am learning to love myself. I will not, and every day choose to not, let anything have a hold on me! I am doing this for me, but I am also doing this for my son. I want to be around for a very long time. I want to be able to make my son proud and I want to be able to actually look at myself with loving eyes. Each day is a new step and a decision make.

Since December 31, the day I said no more to my addiction, I am down 7.5 pounds, just by eating the right things for my body! Regardless of the scale moving, I am starting to fall in love with a new relationship I have with myself and with the food I intake. This is no longer about my weight, this is about an addiction that I am taking responsibitly over.

-Col

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s